Universal Love or Judgment?

These past few weeks, since Halloween is right around the corner, I have been binge watching Ghost Adventures.  I love that show, and all things Halloween and new age related.

But something got me me thinking.  Hearing them ask a ghost constantly "why are you doing this" or "why are you hurting others, spirts and people alike?"

I think we think of what is wrong and right, the judgment, we know what is frowned upon, what is wrong, and that a nothing is worth a life.

But I think they should ask instead "why do you love doing this?"

We each have our own perks, I love video games, crystals, and tarot cards. My my mom loves writing, tarot cards, and snow. My husband loves nature,  video games, and fishing. 

But some people love to hurt. Some people that we think are sick and wrong, they love and thrive on it.

I realize not all are like this,  some are truly bad people and bad spirits.

My Dream-Avalon-A Sustainable Community

I would like to create a sustainable community.

There I said it. 

I am looking into Grants, investors, and playing the lottery as often as I can as well. I want to make a small part of the world a better place, maybe others may see this dream and say hey, I want to do this too. Can you imagine the world if it were like this?

This has been in my head for a while now, but I finally took the chance to write down the full of my idea and tried to write it as if it is already in the makings. 

One day I WILL do this and hopefully be in the top to change towns and cities as others are trying to do now. This will either be a new town on the list or be called a Farms or Gardens. I am not sure of the route this will go, but it will be pretty large.

I want us to know our neighbors, peacefully. I want to make the community a blend of suburb homes and tiny homes. There will be a school, those who have been homeschooled or are homeschooled or wanting to transfer can go to this school . 

Going into the community from the main road, there will be one large gas station, mechanic shop, and a car wash. A road next to it that enters into the community.

Along the way you will see a lake with a river, as you'll go over a bridge. The lake being stocked with fish from the fish hatchery as a source of food. Near the lake will be farmland, raising livestock, such as cows, goats, sheep, and chickens, etc. This will be for meat, milk, and eggs. Along with the farmland will be horses, to tend to, to ride and take care of, to be social and take a relaxing ride on the trails provided in the woods.

There will be a park near the river, where there will be a pool and kiddie pool, swings, slides, and playgrounds along with grills. Near here will be a dog park for our furry families.

Near the park will be a water wheel along the river that will make it easy to have access to water the plants in the large community garden. 

There will be a library and a museum. The museum will hold all sorts of things and I'm hoping it will hold any artifacts that we find while making a community and homes.

There will be a central area with a fountain, in this central area will be a 2x weekly farmer's market, selling extra goodies and gifts, along with food and possible trading/bartering. In the same area mentioned, there will be picnicking area with grills and a community area to do activities outside together, such as yoga and dancing. Near here will be a Gym.

There will be a second smaller lake/pond that will be near the farmer's market, where you can relax and have paddle boats to enjoy the water and get some exercise while having fun!

There will be several smaller buildings that is for religious purposes, I want everyone to feel welcome and non threatened. Included will be a small Christian Church, a Pagan Temple, A Norse Hall, a Buddhist Temple, Catholic Church and more. I want to exercise that we can live in harmony and there are no set days to go to these places as many others say you have to go, but to utilize these as hang outs to meet on level grounding terms and activities that one can do together in your religion. If you choose to go on certain days, who are we to stop you?

The school will hopefully have teachers that have a passion for teaching and children. In this school I'd like to see Kindergarten to 12th grade and the two sides will be divided out. Each side will have a school garden to learn how to grow food, at different difficulties, what's easier and what's not. The  cafeteria will reside in a huge sun room, if you will, to allow some sun, and easy access to watch the playground. The road into the school will be a one way circle with two exits. You can easily pick up your child, have the mini bus take your child home, or walk home with your child. 

I'd like to have alot of land and the community be in the middle of it. I'd like to divide wooded area into section. The bottom left area being farmland for livestock and trails and greenhouses. The top left for cabins and wooded retreats such as camping and trails. The top right side be used for hunting, there will be barriers that will show how far you can go in certain areas. The bottom right will be for Solar energy, water tower, and sewage. 

There will be all underground wiring, no above ground wires anywhere to take away from the beauty of the land.

Downtown is the fun part. I'd like to foresee several things here.

A Mini Theater, a Fire Department, a Police/Security, a small grocery store- to get those items that you can't get from a farm or farmer's market. A butcher/meat processor (for when you are hunting and need it cut and trimmed or that deals with our livestock). A doctor, the first level will be the regular things and first aid area. The second level will be patient treatments and overnight stays. If needed, they can have you transferred to a larger nearby hospital. There will also be a vet for our furry friends and for our livestock as well. With the vet or next to it will be a pet store for food and toys. There will be several restaurants, all ranging from cafes, pubs, sandwich shops and dining. All will be affordable using local fresh ingredients, maybe not from our farms but we will strive to ensure that it be local to our state. I'd liked to see a few small gift shops and a pharmacy next to the hospital. A post office as well for letters and boxes, if something must be shipped to your home as some places do not allow PO Boxes, please make sure to write your home address and we will deliver it to you personally.

You will be able to walk everywhere and will have easy access into all buildings. Perfect for walkers, runners, and wheelchairs alike.

To keep homes affordable if one buys, I'd like to sell the house and not the land. You will still be able to enjoy the property it is on as it will be yours and it if possible, have it transfer to your next of kin/children. If there is any reason you'll want to sell, we will buy the house back from you to sell it again. This is how we will keep our homes affordable, as many places, such as land trusts and habitat for humanity homes are doing now. Each home comes with a personal driveway and a tilled back yard garden. The Tiny Homes will include a fire pit area and two medium garden rows for the tiny home plot to share. Each tiny home plot will have 6 to 8 tiny homes. I am hoping that all homes will have energy efficient appliances.

To make everything easy and simple, there will be monthly HOA fees. Included in these fees, besides care of road and walkways, pay for our own fire department, police, and teachers (if you do not have a child, we can exclude you out of these fees), these fees will be price adjusted from the houses, tiny houses, downtown shops, and etc that will include Solar Energy, Water from a Water Tower (there will be 3-one large and 2 smaller ones and will be more than sustainable for our size of a community), and sewage area. Included in fees will be wifi and cable (we can hook you up or you can go to the library for computer access or the local pub/cafe to catch the game) We are hoping to work with Charter Cable and Internet. Think of the HOA fees as the bill that pays everything you need in at home all in one payment instead of multiple payments to a multitude of companies.

You'll be able to walk and know your neighbors, know what goes on in your childrens school, volunteer to help with livestock and gardening, and most of all, have an open mind for everyone involved. We want to get along and make friends, we want to be involved and reconnect with life around us. 

This is not the place you go to run away from life, this is the place you come to have a life. This isn't a place where you go to get away from the outside world, I want to include as much of the outside world as I can, but for some reason, our world just isn't that understanding or open minded. We strive to be understanding and open minded. That's why there are different religious temples and if you aren't religious, we aren't looking to judge. Anyone that wants to judge, ridicule, and make fun of, this is not the community to do so. We are here to be free and relax in this life. It is your life's choice after all and being happy should be the top of the list!

 If you decide that you aren't sure, no problem, come take a look before hand, feel the vibe. We don't want you jumping into something that is not for you and will make you unhappy. 

We want you to be happy, to be involved. Does it mean you have to stay forever? No! Only if you want to of course, we also want to have the downtown buildings to include jobs, but if you have a job on the outside of our community, that's fine too! You do what makes you happy and feel best. That's exactly what we are aiming for. 

Thank you for taking the time to get to the end and I am looking forward to one day greeting you in our community Avalon!

A festival and a homeless war vet changed my views

So I've been busy getting ready for a one day show to sell my wares, a Pagan Pride day that has been moved downtown in my town, the year before it was in a park, but it was the first time I ever accepted myself and did a festival on my own without my family, I normally let them sell the goods and crystals and I just help move stuff, last years festival set me in the direction where I am today.

Anyways, so it was going good, and I met some new and interesting people and some even gave me that family vibe. It was great.

Now, I try to give back when and if I can. 1st there was a five guys burgers and fries there in front of my tent downtown and I went to go get drinks and a burger to share with my husband during halfway through the pride day festival. As I was getting my drinks ready and waiting on our food, I saw the first homeless man sitting outside with a cardboard sign saying anything helps and god bless. So I asked for a water cup, got him some ice water and gave him five dollars, he ran for a cheap place called The Grill, cheap but good food and open 24 hours which is a plus, he came back out with a baggie of food and I saw him go back to his spot and and eat.

I had people look at me funny for doing that, but I didn't care. We were all making money out there and yeah, I'm poor and have bills to pay and if we don't make a certain amount to pay, our bills may be turned off or we could be homeless too.

Nearing the end of the festival since it lasted from 5-10pm (I got there at 3 like others though thankfully, those extra 2 hours helped bring in a little extra funds), a man walked up ever so quietly to my tent. I saw him asking other tents and booths and I saw them ignore him. He asked me for clear crystal for healing. I could barely hear him, he spoke so softly.

I asked my husband to come over and listen to him, and then we understood he was homeless and told us he didn't have much but heard that day that crystals were good for healing. He wasn't asking for charity or anything, he even offered to pay something.

I asked him why do you want a quartz for healing. He asked me if it was okay to show us his scars. We nodded yes.

His left hand was missing three fingers, he had a line go from his hand to his shoulder, showing us an air force tattoo with his numbers. He then asked my husband to steady him while he took off his boot and sock and put his pant leg up. He fell over and my husband caught him. He had a scar on his knee and was missing 3 toes. Another vendor was walking around and saw him and stayed around.

I asked him if he would be okay with me asking him what happened? His eyes got cloudy, and started to tear up. You could see probably a thousand memories slip through his mind and his heart break. He spoke up in a rattled voice trying to simplify his wounds, "Air force...I was a bomber pilot...I murdered innocent people..my leg and foot always hurt...the pain, and the memories...they are the worst....sometimes I can't breath they are so strong"

The woman vendor came to him and held him and whispered in his ear that it was not his fault, but he was only doing what he was told. She mentioned to come to her tent because her husband was ex-military and she wanted to go into the air force as well, but was too short. He later went with her and sat with her husband, I don't know for how long.

He looked at me with tears in his eyes asking me slowly "crystal....for healing...something has gotta give".

Now I'm going to be honest with you, I grew up with crystals and people talk about how lovely the energies are and the healing and such, but I don't feel it, but then again, I've grown around it and probably accustomed to it. I know people talk of it, but the feeling of the healing stones is still foreign to me, but I have seen it work for others.

I found two small pieces at first, two flat pieces, one to put in his shoe, I wrapped it in plastic. My husband took his shoe and put the crystal in there for him, so it wouldn't hurt him. 2nd, I gave him a singing quartz necklace, they are known to bring about positive energy, get rid of negative and stagnant energy, this man really needed it. My husband put it around him and told him no charge and put on his sock and shoe for him and brought down his pant leg and helped him up. The man had tears in his eyes.

I had one more piece to give him, another small flat crystal, a golden healer, good for a pocket rock/worry stone. I told him it'll be good for a worry stone, so when he gets upset, he can hold the crystal and rub it with his thumb. He freaked out.

"M'am, you don't even know me, but when I was in the air force, they gave us a worry stone/worry pendant to hold in times of stress or fear. You don't even know me but gave me a piece of myself again, I'm never going to lose this." He held his heart while speaking.

My husband and the woman continued to speak to him while I had to talk to other customers in my tent. Other vendors were looking at us of course, some in disgust, some trying not to stare, and some just not caring. One group was walking by, and this irritated me because they were wearing wounded warrior t-shirts and looked at him in my tent on the ground with a scrunched up face and kept walking. If only they knew, if only they supported what they wore.

The man said he was in "the bay of pigs invasion", he was a bomber pilot for the air force. He kept telling us softly but got a little more stern "You all...you all are sweet people, innocent people, ya'll never killed nobody, I did, I wear their souls on my back everyday."

This man was homeless, is a war vet, has been severely hurt and wounded, has PTSD, gets no help from the looks of things, and was looking at my crystals as a last resort to help his pain, he heard people talking about the healing crystals and asked around and got shunned. He cried in my husband's arms, cried in the other vendor's arms, his eyes were so lost and filled with so much pain, anguish and resentment, these memories haunt him everyday and people just pass him in the street.

We never even got his name, he was never angry, he spoke soft, in almost whispers, like it hurt him to get angry, like it hurt him to speak louder. I imagine him screaming from the memories alone like so many others. I imagine him going to the liquor store near there to get whiskey to try and sleep, to try and forget.

He mentioned that he wanted to learn more about crystals from my husband,  but he is still learning and didn't know what to say.

I hate that our people who served in wars for our own country are homeless, jobless, and like anyone who fought for any battle, the memories, however old, will be forever fresh in ones mind.

I had such a good day yesterday, meeting new people and seeing people from last year, but this man stuck out to me, I sit to relax and try to meditate or even to cook and his life comes to my mind. I'm so glad my husband was there, he had wanted to go to the navy seals,  but his knee would constantly blow out along with his shoulder from a dirt bike accident when he was 11. But he loves all things military with a passion and treats everyone with respect.

I hope other people saw what we did, saw that we treated him like a human being, like he was one of our own family, as many of others should've.

But most of all, I really honestly hope those crystals help heal him, even if it not be physically, but mentally and spiritually. His eyes that night made me want to believe in the healing powers that crystals give off.

When did it turn awkward?

Why is it awkward seeing family again? People you grew up with and many years pass and you can see each other almost everyday now.

I know people's lives move forward and everyone is different and has different attention spans. It's just sad when I am making attempts to hang out or when I ask for us to go see a movie, things we used to do together all the time, the other doesn't respond or has excuses, or they now make fun of things.

If someone is making an attempt to be in your life, why do you back away? I never thought we did anything wrong or argued. I get that maybe our relationship may be casual now, that I can come over and just sit on a couch for an hour and watch a movie while they are on the computer completely engrossed in what they are doing and they get sad to see you leave.  Yet if it were anyone else, they'd be showing them their new stuff, paying attention, sitting down and talking to them. I'm starting to have a connection more to their animals than themselves. At least they are excited to see me.

Yet when they make attempts to hang out or something, I'm down for it, cause they are my family and friend, but if I say no, it turns into an argument, yet if it were reversed and I argue to them like they do to make me feel bad and guilty or when they make fun of the things I like or want to do, they can't handle it and tell me not to pressure them and that I'm stupid for making fun of their stuff.

I don't mind hanging out with them and I know people change, it's just makes me think is all.

When someone is making an attempt to even try to hang out with you and you are on good terms but you don't even bother or let the thought cross your mind as a casual passing thought, what does that say about your character?

I don't know, maybe I'm being bitchy, but it just kinda irks me is all. If I were to not pay them any mind when they are here, they just leave, but if I were to do the same, they are insulted or sad.

I don't want to treat them like they treat me, because it really does leave a sour taste to me, but I may have to. It just feels like they are pushing me away, but when I ask them, they say they aren't.

I don't know. 

I mean I ask them for my birthday to go to a movie with me, they can't, okay, then when a new movie that we both have been talking about and he said he'd see it with me, he's already seen it now and said it sucked. I was really looking forward to it and they don't even care. I know they have their own life and I've my own, maybe it'd be easier to move away again, we had an easier relationship then.

I've never thought of myself as a narcissist, and I know after reading this you may think me one, but they think of every one else, except me. Maybe it's good that I don't really have any ties to this town, after September 17th, the day I have a small day show to sell some goods, maybe I should look for another town or state. Take what I can fit in a small uhaul, take my husband, cat, and myself and just go. I'm tired of being treated second hand and looked down on.

I'd been holding it together pretty well I think

So, this may be long, hell, who am I kidding.

So it's been a long while. So much has gone on.  I'm tired of the drama, the social media, tired of people. Tired of negativity.

People turning against each other, people making fun of the other because it is not their norm or to their standards.

I've been sick this past week and for some reason, I am so much more sensitive and in tune to things. I literally just shooed everyone out of my house so I could bawl my eyes out by myself.

There is no shame in crying, in giving in.

But it's sad how much things are changing because of this negativity in my life. But right now, personally, I am at an odds end.

I need to go. I wrote some words in my personal journal last night that I am trying to keep up with, one line I wrote was "I feel torn and my soul feels wild".

My mom always says that I should appreciate the here and now instead of being wild. And I do appreciate it. It's just sad that I should be tamed to appreciate.

But anyways, today was a last straw for me, I'd been holding it together pretty well.

My brother came over today, I'm too sick right now to even argue back or act sassy as usual. So he came back from Colorado, haven't seen him in two weeks since he left before my birthday (which by the way, I didn't celebrate-too much negativity going on and anything I had wanted to do, I couldn't do and figured why bother.) Anyways, he tells me first how great the trip is, he thinks of moving there now, tells me I should move there and be a budtender for 14 an hour. Someone who sells weed in Colorado. If anyone knows me, I don't like the stuff or the smell. It makes me sick and brings back really bad memories of my dad when I was growing up.

Then he proceeds to ask me about Pokemon Go, which by the way I love, my husband and I have explored alot more and walked more parks and it has helped me anxiety a good amount. He of course doesn't see the point and thinks of it as wasteful and wastes gas and money. I told him it is to get you active, he still didn't see the point. I was on facebook at the time and he proceeds to ask me what I'm doing since I'm on facebook and pokemon go all the time.

Then he asks about his truck (he left for those two weeks and had us house watch and cat sit) his truck had been broke into and left with a flat tire and I found the keys and started it to check and it has trouble revving the engine, so obviously it seems to be tampered with. But he asks about his truck, why was I compelled to start the truck. Um, for one, I was checking your vehicle and even made a police report on your behalf. But I couldn't help but get the impression he thought we had done it.

It could be because I am sick and sensitive right now and I also have anxiety, but he comes over in my mind to imply that about his vehicle and to judge and make fun of my life.

And in a way, I can't help but feel judged because I don't have a job, which I am working on, I finally got up my etsy store (which he swore by selling online-but again I don't have the same intel as most do).

My husband's job is tossing him around and not giving him enough hours, and of course my mom lives with us and helps with the rent. Which I don't mind for now, but my husband and I are discussing moving to another area, I know my mom would not like it.

But right now all I want is to run away, and even then I think it won't be far enough. I want it all over, all the drama, all the stupidity, all the negativity.

We can't even enjoy something without someone else poking at it, we can't make ourselves better without someone telling you that you are doing it wrong (where is your phd or doctorate degree?) It's hard enough to be fully happy when you have anxiety, and I was happy for a time, but now I look at my god damn phone and hear his words. I will over come this.

I had this issue recently, we sold our truck, and I was told to put half of it away and to not look at it. Ok, I get the savings bit. But to also be told that it would be good to have savings so we don't have to ask for handouts (even though we pay our debts), it still irked me. When we had the money, all I saw was a problem and didn't want to spend it. But then negativity happens and it consumes and makes it hard for any light to shine through.

I know some think of this as being realistic in a sense, but honestly, I'm starting to wonder if anyone even knows me, cause now I am starting to wonder if I know me. I even bought a mood ring just to see if maybe if I'm alright or not, it stays mostly purple or light blue. Which they say is good, but today it turned amber and slight purple for the first time.

When can we all be fully happy? When is it okay to not make fun? Why do people make fun? Most do it because they see the other is happy and they are not, most see happiness as child's play. When did trying to be happy become toxic?


Anyways, enough of this, I have a life to go live and it may not be much, but it's mine.

Bathroom Chronicles- Fear and Safety

I just watched this video from this page Addicting Info-Bible Waving Woman Rants in Target

This is my facebook shared response-

"Ugh come on, if you don't like it, don't shop there, it only means there will be more stuff for me when in the past people like you would snatch something up in front of me claiming it yours.You're making a big ass out of yourself, you don't have to spend money there no, but by walking in and around the store, with your children (who MAY have to use the bathroom BTW) not only are you showing you can't do anything by yourself, but you have to drag your own kids into it, what the actual fuck. 
Stay out of the store with your hate and if anyone feels ashamed to use a goddamn bathroom, let me know, I'll go with you. I used to feel ashamed for having IBS which is entirely different of course, but no one should be ashamed for being who you are! 
God, this woman needs a life and needs to stay out my Target. We are already aware of any sickos in the world, but if you are that worried about it, why not go in the bathroom with your child and wait, that's the problem with too many people, they never have time for anything and don't want to do anything anymore, so if you'll go with your kid who may or may not get hurt, I'll go with someone who you have made to feel ashamed of who they are so that they won't get hurt as well."

At the bottom of this post I state why I'll go with you.

Ok, we get it, you don't want to shop there, and you don't want your kids there either, but you brought them in the store and you have 12 kids and some in the video look to be under 10, which if you are a parent or helped raise a kid by being a friend/aunt/uncle whatever, you damn well know that any child may have to spring the comment "I have to go potty".  What are you going to do? Tell them to pee outside instead or in the store? 

Yes, we know there are many sickos in this world and there have been cases already like this happening, but it was happening before, and not just in the woman's restroom, I've read many cases of where a little boy has been raped or molested in the men's bathroom in, say a McDonald's Crime Feed- Homeless man arrested alleged sexual assault 6 year old boy McDonalds Bathroom

Now that was from last year in 2015.

This case from yet another McDonald's in 2011- Man jailed for raping boy of Seven on a McDonald's Toilet

Or this case in a department store in 2012- Two Men arrested after raping boy of 14 in department store bathroom 
  
There are many cases just the same, and the fact that you are only aware NOW because a transgender woman wants to use the woman's bathroom to feel safer from these men in the men's restroom. If you only care about your girls, why have you not cared about your boys??? 

I remember the McDonald's incident, and wonder why this woman doesn't remember it either? I am totally NOT trying to be mean because I am trying to lose weight myself, but if she is boycotting Target, will she be doing the same for McDonald's? I know the food is cheap and all your 12 kids can eat there cheaply, but they are known for their bad fattening foods, I stopped eating there two years ago and when I smell McDonald's now it makes me sick to the stomach. This woman has alot of boys too and I worry for them.

I am not saying this only happens in Men's bathrooms as there are alot of good men out there.

This also happens in woman's bathrooms as well! My personal confession, when I was 5 years old in Public School in Brevard, NC, in the year 1994 or 1995, my teacher had a way about her and would choose a pet student to gloat on and choose a student to harm. I was the harmed student. If something upset her, she told me to go to the bathroom, where she would beat me, she wouldn't molest me, but she would throw me against the wall, slap me, punch me, and then some. I hated school, I would hide in the bathroom stall or hide outside near the trees during recess and no one would look for me. I was afraid to tell my parents because she would tell me each and every time if I told them, she would kill my parents and then me. Because of her I started to have a stutter problem and she put me down alot. I was 5 and did not know any better. When my parents saw bruises and scars, I would tell them it was during recess. 

When we moved 3-4 years later to Linville, NC, my new public school there was so nice to me and I felt safe enough and told my parents what happened who told my principal, who wanted to start an investigation. I found out that she did it to a few more students too and that one of them told their parents and told the authorities and she was in jail or going to court for child abuse. I felt safe and I started doing well in school and my teachers remarked on how smart I was and I couldn't believe how different it was. I do admit, I regretted not telling my parents because I was afraid, when you are 5 years old, a child doesn't know what to do in those situations.

So anyways, as one person literally abused in public school woman's bathroom, I will go to the bathroom with you so you don't have to fear the same torture.

Anxiety-Remembering all the Pain and How to Move Forward

I really don't want it to seem like my posts are bad or even saddening.

But as I sit here thinking what to write and it's getting late, all I can think about are all the things that made me upset or sad.

I wish there was some way I can take those memories out of my head so I can attempt to replace them with new things and new experiences.

I'm sitting here, remembering fights, and getting upset over them. Sitting here remembering people who hurt me and all I can think of is anger and bitterness. I hate that part about me, no matter how much I try to accept it.

I try to remember the good, but all I can think of are disappointments.

Some of the things that happened had to happen sooner or later, and some of those of things had to happen for fear of going insane.

I just really hate it being quiet or at night when I my mind goes blank and they just pop in there. Like, they didn't serve me any good or taught me a lesson that I very well remember, why does my brain want me to relive it in my head? To get me depressed?

I am trying to erase things and understand that some things are just how it supposed to be.

One thing that bugs me more than my own memories and for some reason it likes to stick there most like a sore thumb. I wonder if others memories of me are good and why some things didn't work out with them when I thought things were fine? Why were they so cruel or what did I do to make them lash out.

If there is someone I am bitter about, does that mean someone else is bitter about me? While I may think they may be crazy, they may think me a psychopath?

I know this is toxic thinking and I am trying to work around it, I always keep music on all the time just so I don't drown in my thoughts. 

How does one get past it? I know it's my anxiety playing here and its so annoying cause some things have been years ago and some have been months to weeks ago. I prefer to be in the present, but my brain keeps dragging me back to the past like I HAVE to remember.

I want to keep moving forward but I want to take the memory out of my head like they do in Harry Potter.

I know I've seen posts online that other talk of what I am writing about right now, just how do you get past it?

What do you do to help yourself? Any advice you can give me or to others that may have the same question?

Included in this blog are things I look at to remember to let go.

Brakes Failing Dream

So I've been struggling with anxiety for years now.

I had a dream this morning and I was in a town I didn't know with my husband. We were staying the night and exploring.

Anyways, Colin tells me to wait in the truck while he checks our room over.
He gets pulled away for being a big strong man and is asked to help someone lift something with them. He tells me to relax and he'll be right back.

Now, I'm in the truck, he has backed up into the spot and the parking lot has a view of the whole city (whatever city I am in) and the truck starts sliding.

Now my truck has no parking gear in real life, I use my emergency brake and a parking block.

But my truck is sliding sideways into the railing at the parking lot where there is a hill. I call Colin and I am begging for him to come back, that we HAD to go. He told me to get in the drivers seat and move the truck myself, because he is a few blocks away now carrying something, but told me if I want I could drive over to him if I felt safer.

Now in real life again, I don't drive. I unfortunately have vertigo and a chiari malformation that make me dizzy and sometimes fall over or lose balance. I haven't really told many this and people always tell me that I should get my license, I mean I know how to drive, but with my vertigo I have a depth perception and slowness. I like to drive, but my anxiety tells me it is not safe, which in turn is true. I just have to work on it, so it kind of hurts when people lecture me about getting my license.

Anyways, in the dream I get in the driver's seat and attempt to go find Colin, all the while fighting the vehicle to stop turning sideways.

As I start driving, I realize I am in downtown with alot of one ways and no clue where I am. And now my brakes have stopped working. I call Colin and ask him what I should do, as it's going fast and I was scared. He doesn't answer, so I throw the truck into 1st gear and hope for the best. I start crawling again and looking for him. I don't find him but the check engine light is blazing bright and all the sudden I'm no longer in the driver seat, I am in the backseat and the truck is still moving and I'm having to fight myself to get back up front.

After that I wake up. I was done with my morning nap and decided I did not want to go back to sleep.

Now I went on my phone and screen shot what brakes failing meant.

It has to play on my anxiety and the fact that I can't find Colin means I am alone. And my truck has been giving me issues for years, I even have a gofundme to help me attempt to get another vehicle.

A few days ago it has been a year and two days since my largest issue with my truck, where my anxiety went into a panic attack phase and thus ended up changing my life over it, I was still in panic mode and moved my whole life to a town and state I don't even know because I had to get away, I had plans to stay in my place and little town, but within a month after I already had a contract with another landlord in another state.

Anyways, I had to write about this, because many times I always hear how anxiety is not a mental illness, and that its just me whining, but it's not. If I was whining, I'd be out there doing something about it, not hole myself up like a hermit and try to hide away for years. I've been slowly coming out my shell again, to being comfortable and tell myself it is okay to come out.

Doing my own tarot reading

So last year I received some tarot cards from one of my good friends all the way from Australia!

They are The Oracle of Shadows and Light by Lucy Cavendish.

The artwork is pretty, totally me, but I've yet to use them until tonight. So as I got ready for my reading, I put on enigma a posteriori soundtrack. I love that one. 

So I shuffled until it felt good and did a spread and put my hand over them until the tingling warmth felt right. I have not done this type of spread in a long while, but it felt right. 

My first card is The Lantern Fairy. She says that a life challenge will present itself, that stubborn thinking can be changed. Old patterns will be removed little by little and to trust myself. That certain energies I have need to be replaced and reworked as some of those energies I no longer wish for and is keeping me isolated now instead of leading me to where I want to go. Go with love, kindness and freedom and avoid and avoid hate, anger, judgment and blame.

So this card speaks to me on a few levels, I am trying to lose weight and my stubborn thinking and patterns that I've put in place are being reworked, as I've been trying to do. As for the last bit, I have been trying to be more positive and fueled by love and avoid negativity alot.

My second card- The sea beacon fairy (another lantern type) it says that a perfect solution to a problem has been presented but whether it is wise for me to take it is another thing.  I have more resources and opportunities than I am aware of or that I am allowing myself to believe in. She tells me to not be too quick to follow the first opportunity and to wait and check all my sources as there are many paths and solutions, not advice will be right for me.

This card makes so much sense to me, I have opportunities but some of them, I tell myself I can't do or I make myself unaware of. One opportunity knocking at my door is to get some help for my weight loss, its a really big step, bigger than I was imagining, I want to take it, but am I taking it cause its the right thing to do for me or am I taking it because I won't get another chance like this again, maybe if I decline this chance, a better opportunity may come of it. I am now even more conflicted.

The third card - The Dried Flower fairy
She says basically to remember the little moments, the moments that made me happy, whether it be a photo, a cloud, a rainbow, a star, or even the knowledge that something I did has made a difference for someone. She tells me to  feel those precious moments again, to draw strength from them, that those little happy times and happy feelings that have no significance, will help me with the will help me do what must be done.

Card 4- Two little witches
They basically tell me to conduct a house clearing, a feng shui, whether it be a little change or a big change to a move, to clear out what I no longer need, to clear my space and that some of it is weighing me down. That's its okay to let go, sometimes positive things can be negative and that's okay.

Card 5- The Three Witchy Sisters
They basically tell me the karma meaning, what happens once will happen again and what goes around comes around. After three times it will be complete and say farewell, they tell me that whatever lesson I had, has been learned. That problems may be not be a problem, just something I don't understand yet and to think clearly and be aware of what is happening around me.

Card 6- The Witch at the End of the World
It says that  something's time has come. That a significant rearrangement of life from personal or global scale may be affected and that I need more harmony in my life. But to not be frightened, as I have to go through the storm to get to the other side. It's part of everyone's journey, the shift brings about more peace where shadows and light are accepted. Sometimes self healing may look like destruction and that's OK, let go of the old, let in the new. All is well.

Wow...these cards seem pretty good. Some of them gave me answers or at least gave me a sense of good feelings, that maybe some of the things I was thinking of, they called me out on. Besides people thinking the worst of tarot cards, they just don't like being called out is all.

I picked out one last bonus card.

Grumpy Red Fairy
She says this "I want to be me and be free without everyone giving me their opinion, I like being different, I won't be changing unless I want to, I don't need to change to fit in, I only need to be true to myself"
So many put restrictions on themselves and get upset at you because you have the freedom of expression to be true to yourself and they don't like that. Let you be you, be true to yourself, whoever you want to be day by day, just don't fake it or be nice cause you think you should be that way, be real, be who you are, be funny, be fierce, be you! Find out who you are  and try different things, that is what life is about, don't waste it being something you aren't.

Wow, just freaking wow. I needed to hear that so much, to know that is my bonus card, I have been trying hard really hard to find out who I am again and accept her instead of hide her away. Life's too damn short.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my reading and I hope that maybe it helped you too.

If you want a reading let me know, I'll post a blog about for you.

When is saying I'm used to it enough?

When does the term "I'm used to it" turn into a numbness, a draining of your physical and mental self?

The numbing has turned you into a different person, things no longer affect you, like part of you was stolen away.

When thinking in the dark, in the quiet, alone, things go dark and you start to wonder if that saying was the start of your health, depression, and anxiety issues. Maybe when you go numb, you decide you really don't care anymore.

When you start to live this way, you tend to pass through time, as if not knowing who or where you are, just existing as much as you can, getting through it.

But when you sit in silence to a song in the night in a room not lit but to the CD player, you start to think, how did I get this way, why did I get this way? How did I let myself get so far gone into the numbness, into the not caring?

How did I lose myself and let my physical body go and my mental state just go completely oblivious to its surroundings?

What happened? And what can I do now?

You start to think of all things, running, hiding, burrowing back in the numbness, and you think of all the hard work it will take to be you again, happy and healthy.

You get tired of sitting alone in the night, even of you aren't alone, you are alone in your thoughts. And to think these is to be lonely.

Letting yourself go to the point where it's easier not to have friends because you don't want to explain yourself for the hundredth time to those who don't understand and for them to let you slip by is a saddening truth that maybe it is easier.

When can we get past the point of that return and can we get past the point of telling ourselves that we can't do it and the hard work is hard work and you have to put on your mudding boots and do all your laundry for once.

Tired of saying I'm used to it with no other thing to say, tired of the numbness, wishing it was a liveliness.

Trying to let go and love living again.

Making homemade oils

So I decided to try some things out. I am attempting to make homemade oils.

I have found alot of honeysuckle growing here in GA! It smells so good, but whenever I find lotions and such, it never smells like honeysuckle. So I am going to see how my experiment pans out.

I have one jelly jar filled with honeysuckle and grape seed oil and olive oil. I have coconut oil, but it's in hard form.

I also made in a larger jar, honeysuckle and mint with olive oil and grape seed oil.

I plan to get lavender and try it with honeysuckle as well.

I didn't clean the flowers for fear it would take the juices away, but I will be straining all of the debris anyways.

I know I have to wait 4-6 weeks, keep it in a warm spot and let the sun shine on it.

So here's hoping I can make my own oils, cause if so I am totally making my own lotions and stuff too!

Also, we tried our hand at the new star wars monopoly game, it was interesting and we thought it would be difficult since it was so different. I was Darth Vader empire red and my husband was Luke Skywalker Jedi council blue. I won the game, lol.

Have you made oil or do you want to and what kind?

Homeschooled

So today I went out with my mom, we enjoyed ourselves, even though my husband, Colin was not feeling well at home.

While we were out, a woman came up to us to sell homemade candles with a wooden wick inside. The jars were re used better homes and gardens. She was just around in the parking lot trying to sell them for $20. We told her we didn't have that, so she said she'd take $10. I asked if it was going to anything special and she mentioned that she is trying to buy supplies for her kids because she is home schooling them. Her and her kids made them together.

I bought one for $10.

I was a home schooled kid, my mom took me out of school after 6th grade. When I have kids, I plan on doing the same. Back then, there wasn't alot of stuff one could do for homeschooling so my mom did what she thought was best. We would often drive 3 hours to the closest Barnes and Nobles and she would look for educational stuff for me, her friend helped me with science and art, my dad tried to help me with math and PE. When we moved to NC in 2003, she attempted to find homeschooling programs for me. She found a few, but each was a bust and the kids were mean.

We traveled alot for business, so I learned how to read maps, she showed me what signs were what, I learned how to handle money, and that when we sold things to shops, I learned business.

On the business trips, my mom would take us to a museum or battle fields or aquariums and such and she would send me in with assignments. What to look for, what to write an essay on, what I learned. I would take notes and later take photos of the experience. 

Our business was that we were in the gem and mineral business, so I learned alot about minerals, we had a quartz crystal mine, so I learned about mine safety and first aid at the age of 11.

When I was also 11, she taught me a few cooking basics, so later on, I was always testing something in the kitchen on my own, however my mom was always near if I had a question. I was doing my own personal home ec class. I learned how to hand sew, even though the sewing machine hates me, and my dad taught me how to take things apart and put them back together. He showed me computers and how to fix them and put new stuff in it as a new harddrive and routine cleaning. He also showed me how to install things on the computer and how to de-bug it and go into the system manually use codes to fix things. I've used this skill ALOT, people come to me to fix their stuff and I get calls on what to do.

I had a garden and attempted to grow my own stuff. I loved herbs the most as they were easiest, peppers were fun, I didn't like tomatoes then, so I didn't try to grow them. Flowers and salad greens hated me. I'm alot better at growing, but salad greens I just can't grow, but I can grow kale!

I had a fish tank and learned about the fish and their habitat, my dad and brother taught me how to clean it out, about water PH and such.

Later, my mom's friend who taught me art opened a coffee shop and I learned new system computers, how to balance things and money, she even helped teach me how to drive.

I learned horse back riding and my dad was also a jeweler would show me how facet and cut stones.

To many I seemed like I did nothing, I slept in, sometimes because at night my dad and I were outside and he was showing me the stars, what they were, and such, and we would go fishing and he would also teach me about bugs and animals and the woods. I wasn't much for hiking and he thought it would be cool to stay hidden while I felt lost for 2 hours. He said he never left me though, he wanted to see if I could do anything he had taught me. I got home and then cried to mom how he left me, even though he was right behind me.

My mom's friend also taught me how to make candles, as well, as much as this woman selling candles.

Later when I got my first real job, many told me to get on food stamps, my mom at first was against it, I only had that job few a months, but she wanted me to learn how much food costs were and how much my clothes were and things I wanted, so when I would run out of a paycheck, she would give me values and learn to send things on what I need and not what I want, but to also learn to put away some rainy day money to get something special for myself.

I later got my GED, learned everything about math I could learn, I finished the first 4 tests with a breeze, but math had me stay for almost two years, because I wanted to catch up on everything I hated and learn more. I later grew to love it and do math at home for fun.

So when this woman said home schooling, I was automatically for it. Luckily her kids and many others today have access to the internet and can learn so much more. But supplies and trips to museums and such still cost stuff that sometimes we can't afford.

And so many kids these days aren't being taught values and real things. One of her reasoning's was also because they took God out of schools, well okay, you are in your religious right to do that.

I'm not religious, many of the kids I met when I went to school or at home school programs, they were very religious and some kids threw stones at me, literally, I once said oh my god and one of the programs kicked me out and deemed me a defiler or a witch.  My dad is Wiccan and my mom is Spiritual even though she was raised a Catholic. I have my own values, each and all religions I treasure. My husband now is a atheist/spiritual/heathen. At the same time I talk about God or the Goddess or mother nature, I'm also talking about Arch Angel Michael, who I feel is always with me or Thor (during storms), I also have been known to talk to the universe, I think if there are that many gods and goddesses, then speaking to the universe is talking to them all. Many identify me as pagan and that's ok. I like their customs and respect and the holidays. I think learning about all the diverse religions we have is a great thing to learn, I think it teaches us respect for all, and does not make one judgmental. But so many don't think the way I do, or do they? I guess I haven't found them yet.

Anyways, do you home school and what do you do think? Were you home schooled? I wish I had alot of materials back then that we have today.  Do you think the same? Do you think its too early to introduce religion to children? I think we need to start teaching kids today what is important because alot of schools are taking that away.

While going over this post for an edits, I find that homeschooling was my favorite time and memories, I got to spend it with my family and I learned so much. I may not have had much luck with friends, and hopefully my kids in the future will have more openings in the area due to more people homeschooling.

Living in a Toxic Town

I just read a facebook post that I shared 4 years ago.

It says "I think the only reason why people hold on so tight to memories for so long because they are the only thing that doesn't change even when the person does."

At the time 4 years ago, I just stated that ok, basically whatever.

Now I write "I  know many have this problem.  I know I did and I sometimes the memories made me so depressed that I hated going out. The previous town I was living at had 12 years worth of memories and so many things that I was involved in closed or people fell apart and went their own way, my town was toxic to me, I didn't realize it until before I went to move to GA. I'll go back someday and visit. I'll remember the times that were happy while I'm happy instead of remembering the times that were happy while I was filled with bitterness and wishing I could go back in time to them. Memories are memories and you'll always have them, places, things, and people change, it happens sadly. You have to decide whether you get to move on with the change too or stay behind and feel like you are drowning. You can only drown so long before you go crazy and fall apart or go bitter and let numbness take over. I chose a path where I would be happy, feel change, chip away the ice I had created so I could breathe. I know I'm not alone and neither are you."

So upon looking it over, not only had so much changed within these 4 years, but it made me realize something. 

Everyone always talks about removing that toxic person in your life.

But no ever talks about a toxic town.

Just like a person can drain you physically and mentally, so can a town. It's a sort of depression. So many memories and everything is gone and moved on with out me. I felt left behind. I would alwasy say things like "if that were still here" or "if my family still owned that I could help you" or "if that were still there with the same people I could eat today."

Or the one thought I hated the most "if I had been different and done more to spend time with everything and everyone, I would've. If I had known they would've left and moved on so quick, I would've done more to be present at the time."

For instance. My sister and her family moved to the little town in NC I lived in. Years go by and she starts a restaurant. Where she lives then, I later move out with my husband and live not even a 1/4 mile away from her old location and closed restaurant before she back to Florida. I could see all the memories that would've taken place, how I would've walked daily to see her or how my nieces and nephews would've shown up at my door. I would've welcomed them with open arms. 

But I never moved out from my mom and her room mate's house. I was sheltered and feared moving out, even though that same year she opened the restaurant, I got married and my husband lived in my room with me since he left his toxic family.

In July of 2015 I moved to Athens, GA. Only now do I actually see how that little town was smothering me, I could no longer see the beauty, I could no longer appreciate anything. That little town was right dab smack in middle of the Blue Ridge Mountains, and it may have been small, but I was so fearful that I hated that I did not enjoy it more. People asked me up there "how do you just live here all the time-you are so lucky to see all this everyday". But to me that was torture. making new friends, being someone who I wasn't was torture.

Upon moving away, knowing I would move, I literally did something I never thought I would do. It started with one person in 2014 and moved on to 2015, I made sure to end friendships, new or old, because I didn't want to be held back and I did not want to hold them back. 

I did not care if if they thought the worst of me.

However the last friend was mine and my husband's best friend. I think that was the hardest, because he was sweet and I knew it would hurt him and he'd go numb and feel nothing. I already had plans we were moving, I had mentioned it in September of 2014, I wasn't staying forever, this was after the first two people had moved away and we stopped talking. Things were getting to be too much and I have anxiety, my panic mode had set in due to a problem in May. I was still swinging by a thread.

One old friend had recently got back in contact with me we went to Elementary school together, she wanted me to belly dance at a class with her. She begged me, she had no one else either. This was after my panic mode set in, so I thought going with her would help me. After the middle of June, I knew I was moving, and it sucked because I do cherish her so much. Today we write snail mail to each other as often as we can.

Looking back now, I do regret things and I know I could've been more attentive and not so ice like. But in my head, I was breaking away to make things easier. I do hope they all forgive me one day. One of them treated me like a mother, another I babysat for, another were my first real friends, another was a landlord turned into a brother, and much more. 

I wonder why I decided near the end to keep in contact with my old friend as easy as it is instead of hurting her too. Why did I not do the same to the others? 

What is wrong with me?

I was so toxic and poisoned, my old friend knew me and had traveled and moved as much as me and had anxiety. I guess I thought she is the most understanding and I've always valued her friendship. She is my sister from another mister in saying.

But why say that just about her? I valued the others too, I was loyal to them. But I guess from anxiety and panic and the toxicity, that I needed to get away, they did not know me, I put on a facade. I was there for them always. I did not know how else to deal with it, my old friend was in my good memories, and in my torture and toxic times, these new friends were in a time that was hellish for me.

I guess I'm rambling now, as it is late. Have any of you ever lived in a toxic town? Do you have a toxic person in your life? Have you done anything about it?

Okay, goodnight ya'll!

 

1st Post

So this is a first post, I am Sammantha, I go by Sam mostly though. Yes I do in fact have two M's in my name.

I am writing my biography, while trying to run an online store on etsy to bring in extra income for my family.

I like to cook, take photos, play video games-Skyrim on Xbox 360 in particular or Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time-Twilight Princess.

I'm married. My husband's name is Colin. He is currently a bike tech at a sporting goods store.

I live in Georgia-USA. So I may go southern or country on ya'll.

I am thinking this blog will go several ways, I've always tried to take a blog a certain way and I end up saying screw it and forget about it.

So on that note, I'm going to write whatever thought is in my head, I may even put pieces of my biography for you to read while I find a publisher or agent interested in my work.

I may talk about my feelings, about a movie I just had seen, what I'm doing for my store, what's for dinner, or just ramble on about a post I saw on facebook and thought I needed to voice something about it.

So, I think that's about it.

I'll blog ya'll later!