I had a dream this morning and I was in a town I didn't know with my husband. We were staying the night and exploring.
Anyways, Colin tells me to wait in the truck while he checks our room over.
He gets pulled away for being a big strong man and is asked to help someone lift something with them. He tells me to relax and he'll be right back.
Now, I'm in the truck, he has backed up into the spot and the parking lot has a view of the whole city (whatever city I am in) and the truck starts sliding.
Now my truck has no parking gear in real life, I use my emergency brake and a parking block.
But my truck is sliding sideways into the railing at the parking lot where there is a hill. I call Colin and I am begging for him to come back, that we HAD to go. He told me to get in the drivers seat and move the truck myself, because he is a few blocks away now carrying something, but told me if I want I could drive over to him if I felt safer.
Now in real life again, I don't drive. I unfortunately have vertigo and a chiari malformation that make me dizzy and sometimes fall over or lose balance. I haven't really told many this and people always tell me that I should get my license, I mean I know how to drive, but with my vertigo I have a depth perception and slowness. I like to drive, but my anxiety tells me it is not safe, which in turn is true. I just have to work on it, so it kind of hurts when people lecture me about getting my license.
Anyways, in the dream I get in the driver's seat and attempt to go find Colin, all the while fighting the vehicle to stop turning sideways.
As I start driving, I realize I am in downtown with alot of one ways and no clue where I am. And now my brakes have stopped working. I call Colin and ask him what I should do, as it's going fast and I was scared. He doesn't answer, so I throw the truck into 1st gear and hope for the best. I start crawling again and looking for him. I don't find him but the check engine light is blazing bright and all the sudden I'm no longer in the driver seat, I am in the backseat and the truck is still moving and I'm having to fight myself to get back up front.
After that I wake up. I was done with my morning nap and decided I did not want to go back to sleep.
Now I went on my phone and screen shot what brakes failing meant.
It has to play on my anxiety and the fact that I can't find Colin means I am alone. And my truck has been giving me issues for years, I even have a gofundme to help me attempt to get another vehicle.
A few days ago it has been a year and two days since my largest issue with my truck, where my anxiety went into a panic attack phase and thus ended up changing my life over it, I was still in panic mode and moved my whole life to a town and state I don't even know because I had to get away, I had plans to stay in my place and little town, but within a month after I already had a contract with another landlord in another state.
Anyways, I had to write about this, because many times I always hear how anxiety is not a mental illness, and that its just me whining, but it's not. If I was whining, I'd be out there doing something about it, not hole myself up like a hermit and try to hide away for years. I've been slowly coming out my shell again, to being comfortable and tell myself it is okay to come out.
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