When is saying I'm used to it enough?

When does the term "I'm used to it" turn into a numbness, a draining of your physical and mental self?

The numbing has turned you into a different person, things no longer affect you, like part of you was stolen away.

When thinking in the dark, in the quiet, alone, things go dark and you start to wonder if that saying was the start of your health, depression, and anxiety issues. Maybe when you go numb, you decide you really don't care anymore.

When you start to live this way, you tend to pass through time, as if not knowing who or where you are, just existing as much as you can, getting through it.

But when you sit in silence to a song in the night in a room not lit but to the CD player, you start to think, how did I get this way, why did I get this way? How did I let myself get so far gone into the numbness, into the not caring?

How did I lose myself and let my physical body go and my mental state just go completely oblivious to its surroundings?

What happened? And what can I do now?

You start to think of all things, running, hiding, burrowing back in the numbness, and you think of all the hard work it will take to be you again, happy and healthy.

You get tired of sitting alone in the night, even of you aren't alone, you are alone in your thoughts. And to think these is to be lonely.

Letting yourself go to the point where it's easier not to have friends because you don't want to explain yourself for the hundredth time to those who don't understand and for them to let you slip by is a saddening truth that maybe it is easier.

When can we get past the point of that return and can we get past the point of telling ourselves that we can't do it and the hard work is hard work and you have to put on your mudding boots and do all your laundry for once.

Tired of saying I'm used to it with no other thing to say, tired of the numbness, wishing it was a liveliness.

Trying to let go and love living again.