So it's been a long while. So much has gone on. I'm tired of the drama, the social media, tired of people. Tired of negativity.
People turning against each other, people making fun of the other because it is not their norm or to their standards.
I've been sick this past week and for some reason, I am so much more sensitive and in tune to things. I literally just shooed everyone out of my house so I could bawl my eyes out by myself.
There is no shame in crying, in giving in.
But it's sad how much things are changing because of this negativity in my life. But right now, personally, I am at an odds end.
I need to go. I wrote some words in my personal journal last night that I am trying to keep up with, one line I wrote was "I feel torn and my soul feels wild".
My mom always says that I should appreciate the here and now instead of being wild. And I do appreciate it. It's just sad that I should be tamed to appreciate.
But anyways, today was a last straw for me, I'd been holding it together pretty well.
My brother came over today, I'm too sick right now to even argue back or act sassy as usual. So he came back from Colorado, haven't seen him in two weeks since he left before my birthday (which by the way, I didn't celebrate-too much negativity going on and anything I had wanted to do, I couldn't do and figured why bother.) Anyways, he tells me first how great the trip is, he thinks of moving there now, tells me I should move there and be a budtender for 14 an hour. Someone who sells weed in Colorado. If anyone knows me, I don't like the stuff or the smell. It makes me sick and brings back really bad memories of my dad when I was growing up.
Then he proceeds to ask me about Pokemon Go, which by the way I love, my husband and I have explored alot more and walked more parks and it has helped me anxiety a good amount. He of course doesn't see the point and thinks of it as wasteful and wastes gas and money. I told him it is to get you active, he still didn't see the point. I was on facebook at the time and he proceeds to ask me what I'm doing since I'm on facebook and pokemon go all the time.
Then he asks about his truck (he left for those two weeks and had us house watch and cat sit) his truck had been broke into and left with a flat tire and I found the keys and started it to check and it has trouble revving the engine, so obviously it seems to be tampered with. But he asks about his truck, why was I compelled to start the truck. Um, for one, I was checking your vehicle and even made a police report on your behalf. But I couldn't help but get the impression he thought we had done it.
It could be because I am sick and sensitive right now and I also have anxiety, but he comes over in my mind to imply that about his vehicle and to judge and make fun of my life.
And in a way, I can't help but feel judged because I don't have a job, which I am working on, I finally got up my etsy store (which he swore by selling online-but again I don't have the same intel as most do).
My husband's job is tossing him around and not giving him enough hours, and of course my mom lives with us and helps with the rent. Which I don't mind for now, but my husband and I are discussing moving to another area, I know my mom would not like it.
But right now all I want is to run away, and even then I think it won't be far enough. I want it all over, all the drama, all the stupidity, all the negativity.
We can't even enjoy something without someone else poking at it, we can't make ourselves better without someone telling you that you are doing it wrong (where is your phd or doctorate degree?) It's hard enough to be fully happy when you have anxiety, and I was happy for a time, but now I look at my god damn phone and hear his words. I will over come this.
I had this issue recently, we sold our truck, and I was told to put half of it away and to not look at it. Ok, I get the savings bit. But to also be told that it would be good to have savings so we don't have to ask for handouts (even though we pay our debts), it still irked me. When we had the money, all I saw was a problem and didn't want to spend it. But then negativity happens and it consumes and makes it hard for any light to shine through.
I know some think of this as being realistic in a sense, but honestly, I'm starting to wonder if anyone even knows me, cause now I am starting to wonder if I know me. I even bought a mood ring just to see if maybe if I'm alright or not, it stays mostly purple or light blue. Which they say is good, but today it turned amber and slight purple for the first time.
When can we all be fully happy? When is it okay to not make fun? Why do people make fun? Most do it because they see the other is happy and they are not, most see happiness as child's play. When did trying to be happy become toxic?
Anyways, enough of this, I have a life to go live and it may not be much, but it's mine.
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