Living in a Toxic Town

I just read a facebook post that I shared 4 years ago.

It says "I think the only reason why people hold on so tight to memories for so long because they are the only thing that doesn't change even when the person does."

At the time 4 years ago, I just stated that ok, basically whatever.

Now I write "I  know many have this problem.  I know I did and I sometimes the memories made me so depressed that I hated going out. The previous town I was living at had 12 years worth of memories and so many things that I was involved in closed or people fell apart and went their own way, my town was toxic to me, I didn't realize it until before I went to move to GA. I'll go back someday and visit. I'll remember the times that were happy while I'm happy instead of remembering the times that were happy while I was filled with bitterness and wishing I could go back in time to them. Memories are memories and you'll always have them, places, things, and people change, it happens sadly. You have to decide whether you get to move on with the change too or stay behind and feel like you are drowning. You can only drown so long before you go crazy and fall apart or go bitter and let numbness take over. I chose a path where I would be happy, feel change, chip away the ice I had created so I could breathe. I know I'm not alone and neither are you."

So upon looking it over, not only had so much changed within these 4 years, but it made me realize something. 

Everyone always talks about removing that toxic person in your life.

But no ever talks about a toxic town.

Just like a person can drain you physically and mentally, so can a town. It's a sort of depression. So many memories and everything is gone and moved on with out me. I felt left behind. I would alwasy say things like "if that were still here" or "if my family still owned that I could help you" or "if that were still there with the same people I could eat today."

Or the one thought I hated the most "if I had been different and done more to spend time with everything and everyone, I would've. If I had known they would've left and moved on so quick, I would've done more to be present at the time."

For instance. My sister and her family moved to the little town in NC I lived in. Years go by and she starts a restaurant. Where she lives then, I later move out with my husband and live not even a 1/4 mile away from her old location and closed restaurant before she back to Florida. I could see all the memories that would've taken place, how I would've walked daily to see her or how my nieces and nephews would've shown up at my door. I would've welcomed them with open arms. 

But I never moved out from my mom and her room mate's house. I was sheltered and feared moving out, even though that same year she opened the restaurant, I got married and my husband lived in my room with me since he left his toxic family.

In July of 2015 I moved to Athens, GA. Only now do I actually see how that little town was smothering me, I could no longer see the beauty, I could no longer appreciate anything. That little town was right dab smack in middle of the Blue Ridge Mountains, and it may have been small, but I was so fearful that I hated that I did not enjoy it more. People asked me up there "how do you just live here all the time-you are so lucky to see all this everyday". But to me that was torture. making new friends, being someone who I wasn't was torture.

Upon moving away, knowing I would move, I literally did something I never thought I would do. It started with one person in 2014 and moved on to 2015, I made sure to end friendships, new or old, because I didn't want to be held back and I did not want to hold them back. 

I did not care if if they thought the worst of me.

However the last friend was mine and my husband's best friend. I think that was the hardest, because he was sweet and I knew it would hurt him and he'd go numb and feel nothing. I already had plans we were moving, I had mentioned it in September of 2014, I wasn't staying forever, this was after the first two people had moved away and we stopped talking. Things were getting to be too much and I have anxiety, my panic mode had set in due to a problem in May. I was still swinging by a thread.

One old friend had recently got back in contact with me we went to Elementary school together, she wanted me to belly dance at a class with her. She begged me, she had no one else either. This was after my panic mode set in, so I thought going with her would help me. After the middle of June, I knew I was moving, and it sucked because I do cherish her so much. Today we write snail mail to each other as often as we can.

Looking back now, I do regret things and I know I could've been more attentive and not so ice like. But in my head, I was breaking away to make things easier. I do hope they all forgive me one day. One of them treated me like a mother, another I babysat for, another were my first real friends, another was a landlord turned into a brother, and much more. 

I wonder why I decided near the end to keep in contact with my old friend as easy as it is instead of hurting her too. Why did I not do the same to the others? 

What is wrong with me?

I was so toxic and poisoned, my old friend knew me and had traveled and moved as much as me and had anxiety. I guess I thought she is the most understanding and I've always valued her friendship. She is my sister from another mister in saying.

But why say that just about her? I valued the others too, I was loyal to them. But I guess from anxiety and panic and the toxicity, that I needed to get away, they did not know me, I put on a facade. I was there for them always. I did not know how else to deal with it, my old friend was in my good memories, and in my torture and toxic times, these new friends were in a time that was hellish for me.

I guess I'm rambling now, as it is late. Have any of you ever lived in a toxic town? Do you have a toxic person in your life? Have you done anything about it?

Okay, goodnight ya'll!